I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid