Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I wish this was real life…
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.