I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
no one likes gloating
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss