Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You Might Also Like
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.