The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
What’s so funny?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.