SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Last-minute gift idea!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A great tip. #CakeRex
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.