Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
awkward
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”