This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.