bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
yea so i messed up lol
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
May have had one breakfast too many
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March