hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few