‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Ken is short for chicken
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again