Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Customize Your Wedding.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.