Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.