Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls