Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You Might Also Like
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
some things should go without saying
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited