[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Two types of dogs.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me