This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
You Might Also Like
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*