*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
So that’s what we looked like?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Personal question. #JustSaying
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.