[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.