I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Best seat on the street 😍
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.