Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”