Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel