I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun