Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Education is vital
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.