The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A tragic love story in two pictures.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”