If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I hate my earbuds.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*