I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.