Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring