I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I beg your pardon?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?