Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.