Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?