I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
From Facebook just now…
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.