I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.