[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Does it…does it take 3 days
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that