*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that