this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
That’s enough internet for the day
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
“No way.” -Jose
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.