Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
pizza
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind