Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Battery falling down a hole
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.