If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
You Might Also Like
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar