How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Safety first