[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
You Might Also Like
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
😂💯
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It’s tough getting user casket reviews