Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Snapes on a plane.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.