how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.