I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything