I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Remember folks 😂
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD