lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Jurassic park gets weird
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
rise and shine we got egg
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Well, my evening plans are ruined