waiting for halloween be like:
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It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.