Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.