If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.