5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.